Two failed long-term relationships in the last five years. That’s what I have under my belt. Although it’s not a badge of honor, I find myself at times wearing shame and regret as intrusive thoughts attempt to win the day. You told them he was “the one.” He met your family, and they liked him. He didn’t like you, though. For some people, it’s easy to say, “Whatever. God will send them.” Yet others like me spend time mulling over what I could’ve done or said differently, desiring an alternate ending, and as a result, outwardly scapegoating those I’m closest to. What does God say about intrusive thoughts, our feelings, and outward expressions as a result of singleness? In this article, we will examine the root, the fruit, and the means of exchange. Jesus often used agricultural symbolism to connect with the culture of His day, and yet these examples and parables are so helpful for today’s world. There is a scriptural motif that addresses all those concepts, and it’s found in John 15.
At some point in everyone’s life, we believe that we are our own source. In other words, our roots are planted in ourselves. These roots, at times, begin as questions like, “How can I get ahead?” How can I prove myself? How can I get myself from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’? In the case of relationships, the questions might be: “How can I get myself noticed?” “What can I add to my wardrobe?” “How can I get myself from single to married?” Jesus said, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.…I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me.” (John 15:1,5). He addresses Himself as the Vine twice in this chapter, but the first time He uses an absolute adjective: “true.” To put it plainly, if your hope is in anything temporary, you’ll get let down with temporary results. Without an actively obedient relationship with Christ, the True Vine or Source, every attempt to “get ahead” or to be in a relationship is meaningless. Therefore, our roots can be in none other than Christ. When the source is yourself, the desired fruit, to feel fulfilled, is never born. This unfulfilled desire gives way to a different root, bitterness. Defined as something “caused by or expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret,” bitterness has the potential to bear dangerous fruit.
You may have heard bitterness labeled as an emotion or as the “fruit”. However, the kind of fruit a plant produces makes clear the type of seed that has sprouted roots. Scripture, the written standard of truth, defines the fruit of bitterness as a couple of things: trouble and defilement (Hebrews 12:15). Trouble means to disturb or cause agitation, and defilement as to stain or contaminate with sin (BibleHub). Fruit was created to be shared and enjoyed. In the same way, the fruit of our bitterness is also shared. Practically, for some, that may look like isolation, lashing out, and cynicism that contaminates those around you. For the unsaved, there is no lasting hope, and those fruits should be expected. However, believer, if that’s the fruit you bear, can one truly enjoy or see the joy of that which comes from believing in Christ?
We’ve exposed the root and explored the fruit. If the article ended there, you and I would be without hope! Just as being your own source will never work, you will NEVER uproot this on your own. Now what do we do? Once we’ve identified the root and examined the fruit, we return to the Gardener, Jesus. John 15 unveils Him as the One who takes away unhealthy branches and prunes or cuts away at the branches that need help to grow, which is everyone in the vineyard destined to produce good fruit. What tools does God use to prune us? His people and His word. As a child, I hated going to the doctor, and no matter how much I protested, my mom still took me. Why? She knew even though it could be uncomfortable, I would benefit in the end. God has placed us in a body of believers, and sometimes they point out what hinders our growth.
The book of Galatians gives a notable example of this. Jewish believers who had trouble understanding what Jesus’s death and resurrection fully entailed for all did not fully understand that Jews and Gentiles as believers were now of the same body. God was not differentiating between them (Ephesians 2:11-22). Jews still separated themselves from gentile believers, not fully having this understanding, even at times going so far as to refuse to eat with believers who weren’t Jewish. Peter, feeling the pressure to conform and follow his Jewish brothers, did the same, even though he would “regularly eat” with non-Jewish believers when no one was present. (Galatians 2:11-21). Paul, when seeing this happening, especially from Peter, who should have known better, immediately corrected Peter and those around him who followed suit. Paul understood that, since Jesus did everything necessary for our salvation, believers are called to be unified in Christ regardless of their socio-ethnic background.
From this, may we learn that when God uses our brothers and sisters to correct us, it may not be comfortable, but it is undoubtedly necessary for our growth. While that may seem slightly unsettling to the flesh, don’t worry! It’s more than correction that comes from being unified within the body of Christ. Noting Hebrews 10:24-25, where God directly advises us not to forsake the assembling with fellow believers, within this community, we are provided with His kindness, encouragement, and help in times of need (Galatians 6:10). We are reminded of the eternal glory that awaits those who are being pruned (2 Peter 1:10-12). Whether you need to be called out or need someone to call on, God has provided that through fellow believers.
Would it be easier not to gather with other believers or gather and wallow in pity? Sure. However, you’d be missing out on many long-term blessings because of eventual short-term pain. Unfortunately, we live in a sin-sick world, and all are affected by it. Therefore, there will be moments when the words and company of others won’t do. Fortunately, God also uses His word to prune us.
The Bible describes God’s word as relevant for today and an expositor of motives in 2 Timothy 3:16. Perhaps your fruit is produced because of the bitter scars of past, relational, or childhood experiences. There’s good news! You aren’t the only one! Rest assured, there isn’t one issue, sorrow, disappointment, stain, or agitation that God’s word can’t heal or give hope for. The Psalmist implores, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” These heart-wrenching statements in Psalm 13 are made by David, a servant, king, and man remembered for his devotion to God. If anyone could attest to this healing and hope, it was he who ends the same chapter with “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
Maybe you’ve felt stuck in your frustration because of the way life turned out. Perhaps you’re at the point of recognizing the pattern of fruit. Maybe you’re at a point where you’re just plain tired of trying to find lasting satisfaction with people. Wherever you are, know that this process begins with surrendering to God and takes transparency and time! There will be moments where you will feel uncomfortable because depending on anyone other than ourselves is unnatural to our human instincts. However, here’s what I can say is true based on experience: “The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises all who are bowed down” (Psalm 145:14). God’s word and His people alike are both tools in the hands of a loving, eternal God, uprooting, pruning, and growing us all to be more like Him. In time, you’ll see him uproot our self-reliance for reliance on Him, our bitterness for joy, and our loneliness for His eternal presence.